Comedy & other such Schitt
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50 IRISH FACTS.......
So you think you know about Ireland? Here are fifty facts we bet you're not aware of:
1) The average height of Irish men is 5' 7".
2) The average height of Irish women is 5'5".
3) 90% of Irish nationals are Catholic but only 30% ever attend church.
4) The average Irish adult spends £3,500 a year on alcohol.
5) The most popular Irish Radio station is RTE, attracting 1.5Million listeners every weekday.
6) The Irish report the lowest annual number of UFO sightings in Europe.
7) The Irish will eat 12 million crème eggs between New Years Day and Easter 2000.
8) 70% of married Irish women would consider having an affair
while on a foreign holiday without their spouse or
children.
9) 90% of all Irish men would do the same.
10) The Irish buy 20million cigarettes a day.
11) Experts believe that the average price of a 3-bedroom house in Dublin will rise to £250,000 by 2005.
12) The most popular cars in Ireland are the Ford Fiesta &Focus, the Toyota Yaris and the 3 series BMW.
13) The average Irish household has three TV's and two video recorders.
14) The average Irish married couple has sex one and a half times a week.
15) The average Irish single couple has sex four times a week.
16) The average unattached Irish male only has sex once every six months.
17) 76% of all Irish nine-year-olds have tried alcohol and cigarettes.
18) 63% of all Irish people think that corrupt politicians should be made bankrupt and then imprisoned.
19) 73% of Americans are unable to locate Ireland on a map bereft of country names.
20) Bra sales in Ireland increased by £4million between 1998 and 1999.
21) Raymond O'Brien is the shortest person in Irish history. The midget, who died in 1795, was one foot eleven inches tall.
22) The actress who played seventies Irish advertising icon, Sally O'Brien, was in fact English.
23) Less than two percent of the Irish population have been bitten by poisonous snakes.
24) The Irish drink four million pints of tea a day.
25) The average Irish farmer receives £40,000 in EC subsidies every year.
26) Ireland has one of the lowest rates of crime against tourists in the western world.
27) Dublin is the Gay capital of Ireland with over ninety percent of the indigenous gay population residing there.
28) The average Irish family is made up of two parents and three point nine children.
29) Irish women believe that thirty is the best age to get married and begin a family.
30) Irish men believe that thirty-five is early enough to settle down.
31) Only 9% of the Irish population are natural red heads.
32) May is generally the driest month of the year in Ireland.
33) Galway is the Hash capital of Ireland.
34) Dublin is the Smack capital of Ireland.
35) RTE's "The Late Late Show" is the world's longest running Talk Show.
36) 57% of Irish people wear glasses or contact lenses.
37) In 1907, Bernard Murphy legally swapped his daughter for three cows and a sheep at a Donegal market.
38) Cat's now outnumber dogs by two to one as Ireland's most popular pet.
39) Almost 100% of Irish Catholic children take a pledge to stay away from alcohol until they are eighteen. Only 2% of them actually stick to it.
40) 58% of practising Catholics see the church as outdated and in need of major overhaul.
41) Dublin boasts one pub for every 100 head of population.
42) Tourists cite the severe lack of Dublin taxi's on weekend nights as the main reason they would not recommend the city as a short break destination to their friends.
43) Only 1/8 of Irish people under the age of 24 are married.
44) Irish marriages last an average of thirteen years although the majority do not end in divorce. Irish couples prefer to separate and live in sin with their new partners rather than go through costly legal proceedings.
45) An album only needs to sell 5,000 copies to top the Irish music charts.
46) A book only needs to sell 3,000 copies to top the Irish best seller's list.
47) The Canary Islands are the most popular sunshine holiday destination with retired Irish citizens.
48) 89% percent of the population are in favour of permanently separating Northern Ireland from the Republic.
49) The fattest Irish person on record was Aine Gowan. At the time of her death she weighed over thirty stone.
50) The busiest Irish ezine in the history of the Internet is www.bowsie.com !
So now you know!
IRISH QUOTES - BE PROUD OF YOUR NATIONALITY!.......
A man has been found dead stuffed into a briefcase floating
on the Grand canal - Gardai are treating it as suspicious!!!
RTE Radio 1News July 2001
"When I said they'd scored two goals, of course I meant
they'd scored one."
RTE Commentator George Hamilton
"The referendum went as most people hoped it would."
Irish Times editorial displaying acute understanding of the Democratic Process.
"Clap your feet!" Bernie of the Nolan Sisters.
"He's pulling him off. The Spanish manager is pulling his
captain off!"
George Hamilton as Butregueno comes off against Ireland.
"The idea is well and good in theory, but tell me this,
who is going to feed them?"
Wicklow Councillor objects to a proposal to boost tourism by putting gondolas
on Blessington Lake.
"We are not prepared to stand idly by and be murdered in
our beds."
Rev. Ian Paisley.
"What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar
possibly the consumer."
Aer Lingus spokesman.
"Deep down I'm a very shallow person."
Charles Haughey.
"I'm always suspicious of games where you're the only ones
that play it."
Jack Charlton on hurling.
"Outside HIV in Grafton Street."
Gay Byrne plugging Hothouse Flowers appearance.
CONCERNED RAPIST WORE A CONDOM
Evening Herald
SHARING THE BURDEN OF SCHIZOPHRENIA
Irish Times
DEAD MAN INJURED IN CRASH
Irish Times.
"A top level Garda internal inquiry is being held in Connemara
into an allegation that a local garda shot a cow ....There has been no statement
from the cow."
The Irish Press.
"I think the Irish woman was freed from slavery by bingo
They can go out now, dressed up, with their handbags and have a drink and play
bingo. And they deserve it."
John B. Keane.
"I was called out to a nonexistent phone call. When I returned
I lifted my glass, smelled and said 'My God, this is
foul, it smells like piss'. A voice from the back called 'but whose?'"
Wine connoisseur T. P. Whelehan at a tasting in Trinity College.
"Ludicrous. Ridiculous."
1989 edition of Collins Concise Dictionary defines the word 'Irish'.
"Get married again."
Charles Haughey to women asking for an increase in the widows' pension.
"I can hold a note and I know I'm not ugly so, in ways,
that's enough."
Keith Duffy of Boyzone.
"Bosco is a Bollox! Bosco is a Bollox!"
What Zig and Zag were caught shouting (with Ian Dempsey laughing in the background)
when the cameras returned prematurely from a commercial break during 'Dempsey's
Den'. Zag was tossing the Bosco puppet around.
Ian Dempsey: "What would you give Andrew and Sarah as a
wedding present?"
Caller: "I'd love to give Fergie AIDS and put a bomb up Andy's hole'"
Larry Gogan: "With what town in Britain is Shakespeare
associated?"
Contestant: "Hamlet."
Larry Gogan: "Name the BBC's Grand Prix commentator? I'll
give you a hint. It's something you suck...."
Contestant: "Oh, Dickie Davies." (Murray Walker is the correct answer)
Larry Gogan: "What was Jeeves' occupation?"
Contestant: "He was a carpenter."
Larry Gogan: "Complete this well known phrase. 'As happy
as.....'
hint think of me." Contestant: "A pig in shite."
Larry Gogan: (after a caller got none of 18 questions right
on the Just a Minute quiz) -
"Ah sure the questions didn't really suit you did they?"
Caller: "Ah go fu*k off Larry you're only an old bollox."
Gerry Ryan: (during a discussion on whether people would like
to be buried or cremated when they die) -
"Would you like to be buried or cremated?"
Caller: "Oh, buried Gerry."
Gerry Ryan: "And where would you like to be buried?"
Caller: "Up to me balls in Bibi Baskin!"
Larry Gogan: "What do you call a female cow?" ....
Larry Gogan: "And who would you like to play the request
for?"
Caller: "Meself"
Larry Gogan: "Any particular reason?"
Caller: "I got me first job yesterday"
Larry Gogan: "Oh, that's nice, what was the job?"
Caller: "A blowjob!"
BACK OF BEYONDS MAN OF THE YEAR.......
ENTRY FORM
Name : __________________
Nickname : __________________
Public House : __________________
Neck shade :
Light red : _____
Medium red : _____
Dark red : _____
Number of teeth exposed in full grin :
Upper : ____
Lower : ____
Do you own your own teeth ? : _________________
If borrowed , please state from whom : _______________________________
Membership :
Old IRA : _____
New IRA : _____
IFA : _____
ICA : _____
Does your wife weigh more than your tractor : ______________
Are you married to any of the following :
Sister : _____
Cousin : _____
Sow : _____
Do you know her name : ____________________
Have you ever stayed sober for a weekend : _________________
If so , why ? : ____________________________________________
Do you know many words with more than four letters : ________________
How many wellies do you own :
(Pairs) _____
(singles) _____
Will you wear polyester trousers with bailin twine as a belt: _____
Name of tractor owned : _____________________
Height of tractor : _________________________
Tractor equipped with :
Kerry colours __
Cassette deck __
Load of turf __
Ford cortina __
Shock absorbers __
Radar detector __
Truck wheels __
Sawdoctors CD __
Mud flaps __
Toothpick holders __
Mud grip tyres __
Goats hide __
Big dog __
Number of empty beer cans on floor of tractor : ___
Car Model :
Ford Cortina __
Ford Escort MK2 __
Ford Escort MK1 __
Fiat Ritmo __
VW Jetta __
Humber __
Honda 50 __
Bumper stickers :
__ Well Holy God
__ My other car is a piece of shite too
__ Honk if you love Dinny
__ If you`re not from Tralee you`re not worth a shite
__ Wave if you love Glenroe
__ Travlin' to Flavin Supermacs
Favorite vocalist :
Margo __
Big Tom __
Loretta Lynn __
Hank Williams __
Brendan Shine __
Garth Brooks __
Declan Nerney __
The Guy from the Sawdoctors __
Mick Flavin __
Willie Nelson __
Daniel O`Donnell __
Meself __
Favorite Recreation :
Line Dancin __
Sheep Shaggin __
Shite smellin __
Bailin Hay __
Drinkin __
Chewin baccy __
Belchin __
Spittin' __
Cap emblems :
Guinness __
McCullogh chain saws __
Smithwicks __
Massey is the king __
10-10-20 __
Smile if you`re wearin wellies __
Number of dependants :
Legal __
Claimed __
Don't Know __
Size of farm :
Middlin' __
Smallish __
Bit of a Field __
Only a Bog __
Number of social farewell claims per week : ______
Do you have any two of the following :
B.O __
T.B __
Head lice __
Sheep lice __
Smelly feet __
Runny nose __
Bad breath __
BRITISH PASSPORT __