JACK SCHITT.......

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says; "You don't know Jack Schitt."

Now, you can handle the situation:

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of KneeDeep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins - Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt. Against his parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a Mongoloid son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood, and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

HELICOPTER GAME.......

http://www.seethru.co.uk/zine/south_coast/helicopter_game.htm

warning :- ....... Highly addictive!

THE MATRIX COW.......

http://www.jarre.ac/misc/cow.mpeg

KUNG FU:UK.......

Dowload the KungFu:Uk quicktime clip

right click on the link and choose "Save Target As..."
& sound is essential - so turn on ur speakers

CLASSIC JOKES.......

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet which is getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine.

The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude, and if you do it again, I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."

He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare,embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"
"Pepper," he answers.

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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if you're heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

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A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots! Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense,sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and
Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He cooly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis intothe pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home in a terrible state. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

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A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from her, so the doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."

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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

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A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"
The small white guy faints!

The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy.
What's wrong?"
The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"

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A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "we were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "what do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

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A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

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A man suspected his wife of seeing another man, so he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that night. This is the report:

Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree- look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.

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A man needed to get a present for his daughter's birthday so he went into a toy shop and asked the assistant for a barbie doll. The assistant asks him which one would he like - Barbie at the races for £19, Barbie at the pool for £19, Ballroom Barbie for £19 or Divorced Barbie for £190.

The man then asks why divorced barbie costs so much more than the others?
"Well", said the assitant, "with divorced barbie you get Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's......"

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Recent research has shown that Hitler had a defect in the genital area. His left testicle was 10 times the size of the other.

It just proves right what people have being saying about him for years:
- "He was a right little bollocks".

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One night this garda officer was staking out a particular rowdy pub in Cork for possible violations of the drink driving laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the pub, trip on the kerb and try his keys on five different motor vehicles before he found his own. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the engine and began to pull away. The garda officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Well Guard, tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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During world war 2 a Scottish general, an English general and an Irish general were captured by a German S.S. officer. They were all standing outside a concentration camp when the S.S. agent says,"Before du go in to die concentration camp , I vill give each of you vone hundert lashes, but since you have vought bravely I vill give you one vish each."

He then turns to the Scottish general and asks him, "Vhat is your vish ?" And the scottish general replies, "I would like one of your wee S.S. jackets to put on me when you are whipping me "
"Your vish is granted," says the S.S. officer and he goes and gets a leather S.S. jacket to put on the Scottish general . Once he has it on, he gives him one hundred lashes with his whip and the Scottish general crawls into the concentration camp.

Next the S.S. officer goes to the English general and says, "Du have vought bravely also, Vhat ist your vish?" The English general replies, "I would like a mattress to put across my back, old boy!" The S.S. officer gets a mattress and puts it across the English general's back and gives him one hundred lashes. The English general then crawls into the concentration camp.

Next the S.S. officer goes to the Irish general and says, "Du have also vought bravely , even more bravely than sie other two , for this I vill give du two vishes " Immediately the Irish general replies, "I would like two hundred lashes!" The S.S. officer replies, "Are du sure?"
"Yes I am!" replies the Irish general.
The S.S. officer then says, "Fair enough, then vhat vould your second vish be??"
The Irish general then replies, "Put that english bastard on my back!!!"

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A lady shopping picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,
"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."

That was bad enough but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom.
"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER??"

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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily,popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

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A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
"Landmines"

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Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-towners' who sank it.

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknowns to him,his brother John's wife died suddenly.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said:"I'm so sorry for your loss.You must feel terrible".
Joe,thinking she was talking about his boat said:

"Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning.Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and
a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I
rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad.But they wanted her anyway.The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle......."

The old woman fainted!!!

More on Page two..... >>>>